clean up on isle five

2008-01-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

yes, i'm obsessed with flight of the conchords, but who wouldn't be obsessed with mutha uckers?? you have to love that shi.

2007-07-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

one of the things that i love about my relationship with amy is that we can end a phone conversation with, "i gotta go. i need to poo," and that is totally acceptable. say no more.

2007-07-09T14:47:00.001-07:00

2 more days til free slurpee day!

2007-06-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

2007-06-08T19:49:00.001-07:00

so amy came to fresno to visit, and i had to work today because i'm the only one trained for a certain person's job who is on vacation. whenever i fill in for that position, the hours are 11-7:00. my normal hours at my normal position are 12-8:00.

since amy was here this morning, i considered going in at 11:00 for about a half second. ultimately, i decided to play dumb and go in at noon so that we could go out to breakfast. i heard that the nazi at work was looking for me at 11:00, wondering if i remembered to come in at all today.

but i'd do it again any day!

2007-03-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

ok, they did it with legally blonde, so why not do a musical for snakes on a plane? how 'bout it, broadway? we're talking to phil collins's people.

...but then again, aren't we all?

2007-03-05T18:04:00.001-08:00

amy's giraffe impersonation

2007-02-07T13:59:00.001-08:00

2007-02-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

02.06.07 minutes on the conference call

A. first order of business
1. knock knock
2. who's there?
3. poo
4. poo who?
5. ha! you said poo!
a. from amy's neice, annie

B. karaoke teaches kids large words
1. annie sings R-E-S-P-E-C-T
2. amy thinks she can reap some of the benefits of annie's future career
3. nah, maybe not. do you know annie's parents?

C. jo anne's art was sold!
1. it was her first sale, if you don't count selling art at a garage sale
2. amy was beaming ear to ear for her
3. amy says, "it's all happening," and "yaaaaay!" and "you're almost famous!"

D. karma was in jo anne's personal space with her wet nose all over her knee
1. get away, karma

E. dirty jokes and foul language
1. it's nice to know that a woman knows what a douche is
a. unlike some guy who uses it in sentences and has no clue what it is
2. some people (mormons) think using a tampon is like masturbating or it takes a girl's virginity
a. what are you, an idiot? you smell like fish and you like it
b. yeah, i'm good for the week. i just had my period
3. is there such a thing as a tampon-a-holic?
a. they think they need them?
b. they love them too much?
c. do they read the warning labels and obsses anyway?
d. do guys use them as butt plugs?
e. compare to cartman on south park- he wanted to bleed!
4. girls were scared of getting their first period
a. when it finally happened, it's smelly like your sister

F. great news
1. kaliska met the cast of reno 911!
2. so did BSI (big smelly indian)
a. what? BSI met them before US??? where is the justice in the world??
b. he got a hug from Weigel?
c. she must have made a face because he smells

G. toilet humor on myspace
1. friend on myspace has to take pictures in the bathroom
a. she got in trouble for doing it at work
b. and the manager's mormon!
2. amy's proud of her naughty self and others who take bathroom photos
a. nothing pleases her more

H. amy's going 55 on the freeway
1. if jo anne was driving behind her, she'd be honking like a madwoman
2. doesn't help that she's in the fast lane
3. amy says she loves that jo anne doesn't tell her she's on drugs and that she's insane
4. speaking of cars, how much more does amy owe on hers?
a. the answer, my friends, is nothing

I. blog comments
1. some guy says the website is not "uplifting"
2. dude, you have other options
a. go douche yourself
b. go uplift yourself
c. go back to church

J. freaks
1. yeah, speaking of church
2. freaks shouldn't throw parties
a. perhaps that should be reworded: sitting in someone's living room, talking is not a party b. nobody plays truth or dare anymore
3. if you do play truth or dare, you don't ask stupid questions such as
a. who in the ward do you like?
b. when you were a teen, did you paint horns on your head and scream, "hallelujah?"
4. better question
a. who in the ward do you hate?
1. you

K. business calls
1. if you call someone and they don't pick up, you may leave a message and wait for a call back
2. if you really need to contact someone because of an emergency, you may call back immediately if they don't pick up
3. if you are the biggest idiot on the face of god's green and blue earth, you call back 6 times in a row
a. you are a bigger idiot if you hardly know the person you're calling
4. dude, leave a message
5. you're losing your dignity
6. let's not make it to lucky number sleven
7. i hate people
8. gosh!
9. napoleon quote is appropriate
10. jo anne watched "crank" and pedro plays a gay raver who gets strangled and suffocated and shot multiple times
11. amy gives a giant thumbs down with a spit
12. amy wants to click over and say, "i'm on a business call, and it's none of yours!"

L. amy sings a song to her own tune!

M. another phonecall?!?!
1. dude, amy doesn't even know you! stop calling!

N. snowboarding
1. saturday morning
2. another possibility is the tour de india
a. visit all the indian restaurants in the greater san jose area

O. i will miss you like a chicken misses its head
1. that sounds cool, but isn't it the head that does the missing?
2. doesn't sound cool if you said i will miss you like a chicken head misses its body
3. let's keep it the other way

P. thank you for smoking
1. katie holmes is a weirdo
2. didn't even seem like a sexy vixen in that movie
3. she wasn't slutty and her eyes weren't blue
4. it's tom's fault
5. she was jewish
6. all celebrities are jewish
7. if jo anne were to move to the south, she'd get a beautiful russian accent
8. if amy moved to australia, she'd hang onto the accent
a. she'd sound like olivia newton-john
b. her dream of being kira from xanadu would be a reality
c. roller skates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. couldn't bare to go back to an american accent
10. if amy's husband went to south africa and came back with no accent, that's it- it would be over

Q. tofu pie
1. amy guesses what jo anne just ate
2. on the second try!

R. new t.v. shows
1. name that bathroom
2. name that food
a. in that order
b. don't leave the couch
c. otherwise, i'll kill you with a douche, in the library, and you can call me colonial mustard
4. amy has obsession with douche and clue

S. safety!
1. strawberry tofu farts aren't too bad
2. she who smelt it dealt it
3. yes, we already established jo anne dealt it
4. sing the tofu pie song!
5. jo anne legally changes her name to tofu pie
a. my new initials are TP
6. amy wants the initials TP as well
b. she already has the pee!
7. possible new first names for amy
a. theresa
b. teopatra
c. tiajuana
d. toilet
8. we like "d"

T. amy's taste in men
1. she doesn't kiss men who own "scully" barbie dolls
a. the x-files isn't her kind of show anyway
2. she avoids men with tattoos of the tazmanian devil dressed in camoflauge
3. interruption- noises like cingular is stealing all of our thoughts and ideas
a. we know you tape our conversations, cingular
b. give them back
c. they just sit back and say, "their tofu pie jingle is MINE!!"

U. amy bears testimony on paris hilton
1. amy is best at acting when she knows no one is watching or filming. stage freight!
a. example: angela's wedding video
2. she says she'd be the best actress because she'd be a live character
3. she'd fool everyone
a. she will count on the fact that the camera man has a short-term memory
4. notes to paris hilton
a. you take a big bite out of that and you swallow
b. next thing out of your mouth is "that's hot"
c. you'd be right
5. amy recalls the conversation!! 10:05 pm
6. i say these things, amen

V. the essence of guster is gone
1. no bongos
2. no blonde - debbie baird, the artist formerly known as debbie mancuso

W. this is turning into an interview
1. jo anne is too busy taking the minutes that she's not saying much
2. we need to hire someone to take notes
3. spaceghost says never hire a monkey
4. who can we trust?

X. recap down memory lane
1. what did amy and jo anne have in common when they first met?
2. two baby blue fairmonts
a. the fairmont brothers
b. one got painted smurf blue
c. one got painted disco ball glitter
3. who convinced whom to move into 85 s. 9th street?
4. amy clearly won that contest because jo anne still thought she convinced amy
5. jo anne didn't know she needed convincing
6. amy was a voice in jo anne's cartoon called "roommate trouble!"
7. musical barbeque
8. amy knew stefanie was full of shit but was friends with mike
9. jo anne knew mike was full of shit but was friends with stef
10. now we know the truth!
11. amy's typewriter is blankety blink blink
d. she does not have tourette syndrome

Y. conclusion
1. you read my thoughts like a chicken with its head cut off
(10:35 pm)

Z. good thing, because we ran out of alphabet

2007-02-01T01:34:00.000-08:00

The business plan Jo Anne posted was near perfect, however she did forget our mission statement, which will also become out company slogan.

"We come up with the ideas while you work hard to bring them to life."

also as our employees, we are looking for those who love working, can't get enough work, and really really love to keep busy. Jo Anne and I come up with so many ideas, we need someone to be able to keep on task for us to see our dreams come true. because after all, through your hard work, dreams become reality.

Thank you!

2007-01-30T17:57:00.000-08:00

Business Plan for Joamy, inc.

--------------------------

1.0 Start-up Expenses
Legal $300
Marketing consultants $1,000
Business and liability insurance $600
1st month's pmt+deposit $2,500
Design costs $3,500
Jo Anne's salary $1,000,000
Amy's salary $1,000,000
----------------------

Total Start-up Expense $2,007,900

2.0 Financial Plan

Joamy is seeking a $300,000,000.00 financial package based on a note due in five years but amortized over 15 years. By amortizing the note over fifteen years, the company will be afforded the opportunity to establish a healthy track record which will enable the company to seek alternate financing for the balance.

3.0 Management Team
Joamy is organized into two main functional areas: Jo Anne and Amy; and everyone else.

Jo Anne and Amy: Presidents and Founders. Everyone else: Hard workers.

4.0 Personnel Plan
The cornerstone of the personnel plan is to maximize production and minimize the labor burden on the companies operating expenses. Pursuant to that goal, the initial payroll will consist of the following disbursements:

Until increases in sales can support additional salaries, we will only be paying the employees half of what the minimum wage is. Once they get busy and do some work, they will receive a 5% raise every 6 months. The workload will be determined by Jo Anne and Amy, as they are the core creators of the operation. Whatever is said by these two gorgeous C.E.O.'s is law, and all employees shall consider it as such.

The sales & marketing department will be headed by both Jo Anne and Amy, who will be responsible for initiating new ideas and orders. They will also oversee the network of hard-workers, who will continue working their hands to the bones as perfectionists, according to the ideas presented by Jo Anne and Amy.

2007-01-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

Jerry: I notice she's big on the phrase 'yada yada'.
George: Is 'yada yada' bad?
Jerry: No, 'yada yada" is good! She's very succinct!
George: She IS succinct!
Jerry: Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.

2007-01-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

amy, this is why amy sedaris reminds me of you.

2006-12-14T19:24:00.000-08:00

i guess i'm not immune to cheddar cheese. ow! my ass tunnel burns!

2006-12-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

HAPPY M.C. HAMMER DAY! we finally remembered on the actual day!

forget pearl harbor day, because that's for chumps. this shit is fo real!

2006-12-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

Being that I am single, I am stuck in many situations with single people, go figure... anyway, the past couple of weeks I have been hanging out with some people, and recently the girls in the group have found a new love interest, so of course this person is invited to everything, and I mean everything.

At first it was funny for me to sit back and be a fly on the wall as I watch all the women throwing themselves at this guy, and one of the girls who happens to be my friend laughing at them, but then in return acting as sad as the rest. It has been hylarious for a while, but now it's starting to get old.

I guess maybe now that the guy is starting to act as though I am his property and that I am one of these girls who would do anything for him, which, uh, nope, you are looking at the woman. Anyway, so yesterday there was a party and I was sitting and talking with my friends JP, john, and john, when all of a sudden a pillow gets thrown towards my head.

"What!" it was thrown by Lance, the man that all the women are chasing.

Irritated, I ignore him and continue talking with them, as another pillow wizzes past my head.

"Oh sorry lance, do you not have enough attention?" I say, as he is sitting on the couche with Heather and Melissa on each side of him under his arms, and Esther sitting as close to Melissa as she can to try and get closer to Lance.

Carrie, who I love more and more says, "I guess he doesn't have enough women sitting on his lap."

We laugh hysterically and continue talking, and then another pillow gets thrown our way, so we decide to leave.

Tonight, I decided to go play volleyball, which I guess that was a stupid idea, because when I get there, low and behold there is lance and his harem, and the night consisted with the girls running onto the court, dancing, or while we are trying to play walking in and hugging players to get attention. Then when they aren't getting the attention they wanted, the start stealing the volleyball, and throwing basket balls onto the court. "WHY! WHY! WHY!" this is why women are not invited to sports night.

Which then sucks for me, because I can play, and I am there to play, not do cartwheels on the court or spin around as the ball comes to me, and I am to busy pretending I am shy and need the big stwong manly man to show me how it's done. OH yes, they even pulled out the little baby talk.

2006-11-29T16:15:00.000-08:00

i was proofreading an ad for a local RV lot, and one of the descriptions said, "large rear bathroom."

guess that's a polite way of saying it's for chubby people?

2006-11-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

i can't wait til february!!

2006-11-03T15:23:00.000-08:00

this from SF datebook's cd review:

kevin federline

"if we reviewed this CD, we would have to acknowledge that kevin federline is a legitimate artist and not just some former backup dancer with a penchant for cigarettes and strippers who bum-lucked his way into marrying britney spears and making her babies. we would also have to pretend to forget all the other milquetoast rappers that came before him- vanilla ice, snow, 3rd bass, ugly duckling, house of pain- and listen with open ears. and finally, we would have to sit through songs like 'america's most hated' and 'lose control' (which inexplicably includes the lyrics: this is that hip-hop flava with a little rick'n'roll) without losing our breakfast. there is no way any of that is going to happen."

2006-10-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

2006-10-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

fun with johnny depp:

2006-09-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

buy some cool halloween shit from my kid sis!

2006-09-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

There has been a mouse running around the house the past couple of days, and my dad has turned every floor in the house into what could be the sticky mouse and collapsible mouse trap museum,. Nearly every room is outlined with mouse traps.

Last night I heard one of the mouse traps snap, and the mouse scurry along, I was rooting for the mouse to stay alive, and was happy it had thwarted another trap. This morning my dad notified me that the mouse still has not been caught, and I cheered.

This morning after I had taught my lessons I walked into the hallway, and right on the sticky trap in front of my Dad’s door was the mouse, laying on it’s side, stuck.

Oh No! Poor thing, is it dead? I started to walk towards it, and the mouse startled thinking I was about to kill it started shaking uncontrollably.

“AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” I screamed as I jumped back and started shaking around doing the eebie geebie dance. I am not afraid of mice, but I am afraid of seeing one stuck completely on a trap and knowing that I have to kill it to end it’s torment.

Oh NO! I AM NOT KILLING THIS MOUSE! My dad is the one who trapped it, he can do the rest, this is his project.

So I called my dad and told him, “You caught mouse, and it’s shaking around on the sticky trap.”

“Well you’re gonna have to take care of it.”

“Nope, I’m not killing it. You’re going to have to take care of it.”

I wish I was brave enough to take the trap out of the house and remove the mouse from the sticky trap and let him run free in the wilderness, however, every time I get close to the trap, the mouse starts shaking and flustering around uncontrollably, because it’s terrified that I’m going to kill it, and it freaks the crap out of me. I guess I am afraid of mice, mildly, but afraid none the less.

Aaaahhhhh, as I am typing this right now, I hear the taps of the mouse bounding up and down on the ground trying to get off the trap. And yes, the eebie geebie shivers are running down my spine.

I wonder if this means I am an accomplice to murder?

2006-09-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

Late last night as I was driving home, I turned the corner of my street, and rushing down was an ambulance.

Oh NO! I hope my dad did not have a heart attack, he said he wasn’t feeling good, but his face wasn’t the usual gray, pale, sickly face he had in the past before he had his heart attack, I thought he was ok, please don’t be him in that ambulance.

I sped up and rushed to the house to make sure my dad was ok. When I looked at the house, the lights were on, Please, let him be ok, please let me just be overreacting, DAD, please, PLEASE be ok.

I rushed in, and heard his TV on in his room, and I rushed in opened the door, and there was my dad, sitting watching TV., he looked at me wondering why I had just rushed into his room.

“Your OK!” I said, as I ran over and gave him a big hug.

“Yes, I’m fine.” He said laughing but not knowing why I was so worried.

“Oh man, as I was turning down the street I saw an ambulance, and it terrified me, I was worried that you were in it.

He started laughing, “I’m sorry you got scared, but I’m ok.”

I am so glad that I overreacted and he was fine, because I think I would have completely broken down had he of had another heart attack, and I wasn’t there to help him. I can’t begin to explain the tremendous guilt I felt as I watched the ambulance drive past and thinking my father was in there. However, whomever was in that ambulance, I hope you will be ok, and I hope your family is doing well, I’m sorry, I know how scary that situation is, I’ve been there many of times.

2006-09-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was so proud of myself that I was ontime for my first morning lesson of the day. I am usually 5-10 min late, but they are pretty laid back so no problem.

I knock on the door, and the mother answers, and with a worried look she says, "Are you OK?"

confused at what she is asking, trying to figure out if she is joking because I'm chronically late for them, but the look on her face is completely honest. "uh....yeah." I said slowly, an then went on and asked my stuent how her songs were this week, and headed to the piano.

When I left the parents were looking at me strangly for an explanation, and it was very awkward, but I didn't understan why. When I got into my car, I checke my phone, and saw that I had 4 missed messages from the studio, I called my voicemail to hear the receptionist, "Uh, Amy, your 10:00 an 10:30 lesson are waiting for you, it is 10:10, where are you?"

What are they smoking, they called during my lesson at 9:10, they must have shown up early, it's not even 10:00 now. I looke at my phone, the time reads, 10:45am. Oh SHIT! this must be a joke. I checked my phone, 10:45pm. No Wonder the parents were acting so strange, I was a freaking hour late.

I don't know what happened, I have never had this happen before, I am a complete idiot.

2006-09-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

if you want some good stories to tell, take a dog and wait outside of a convenience store for a few minutes.

one time i waited with karma (she's a black lab) outside, and a woman came up to me and asked if she was a golden retriever. then she kept rambling about her sister and her dog and suddenly stopped herself and waved her hand in front of my face and asked if i could see.

another time, i was crouching in front of 711 and a crazed woman came up to me and kept blabbing about her dog and blah blah blah, and when i stood up, she saw that i was taller than her, she got scared and wide-eyed and hurried off as if i was going to beat her up.

wonder where i should take karma this week.

2006-09-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Today I was so irreverent in church, and I was only there for 45 minutes. I guess I was just very antsy because I had spent the previous part of the day sitting through a Piano recital that my students had preformed in.

At one point the speaker asked us to take a moment of silence to ponder and think about what it’s like to have the Holy Ghost. Me being the woman with ADD, naturally talked through that moment, and realizing that there was a moment of silence going on, asked Carrie, Did we just talk through the moment of silence?

“I think so.” She said.

“Ooops! I was supposed to feel the spirit, and I talked through it.” I laughed.

“I felt it before, I’m good.”

WHAT! Is there someone at my church as bad as me? I think I have finally found a partner in crime in this area. It’s about time.

2006-09-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

How will America be able to move on now that Brad Pitt has let us all know that he will not marry Angelina Jolie until America makes marriage laws free for all.

How cruel a thing is this for Brad to tell me, I mean honestly, why! WHY tease me with the affair with Angelina and leaving your wife and then tell me you will not marry her. How can I live another day, how can I go on, when I know that marriage is not in the cards for these two love birds?

Oh Wait! I don't care, but I do like the answer to why they aren't getting married, so for all you singles out there next time you are asked why you aren't married, just give the same reason Brad does.

This also works for you in a relationship where the ol' tomatum is dropped, and you do not want to get married.

So Brad Pitt, I honlestly don't care what you do with your life, it's your business, but thanks for the excuse. I think I might just use it.

2006-09-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

Guess who's going to Spain in October?

ME!

Guess who's going to Rome, Italy in October too?

ME!

So as one plate licker says to another....Pass they syrup

2006-09-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Three year anniversary of Krystal’s death, which will probably go in history of the worst day for Jo Anne, and during the worst year for Jo Anne, Krystal, and myself.

I called Jo Anne to see how she was doing, the conversation started with Project Runway, both of us dancing around the topic, and me not knowing how to bring Krystal up to Jo Anne, and Jo Anne, probably not sure if I realized it was the anniversary, and probably trying to think of how to bring Krystal up.

After a good conversation of Project Runway Jo Anne says, “You know today is the 3 year anniversary of Krystal’s death.”

Then we did what we have done the past couple years, reminisce about Krystal, and laugh at all the wonderful memories we have of her. After remembering all the stories, the sadness started to sink in that Krystal is gone, and her memories are all we have of her.

“I wish I was the first to live on earth and the first to Die” I said.

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

“Man Adam had it easy, no search for his soul mate and didn’t have to live through someone’s death…..no wait, Abel was the first to die right?

“Uh I think so.” Jo Anne replied

“Yeah! Then I wish I was Abel, he had it easy, but it would suck to be Kane.”

“Ooooooh! Yeah it would.” Jo Anne groaned.

“Because I don’t want to be making pageant dresses the rest of my life.” I said, and Jo Anne roared with laughter, “See it always leads back to Project Runway.”

---
Krysal, you have been missed, and will continue to be. Everyone who knew you will agree that we all loved your gleam in your eye, and your mischievous smile, and how you turned a wretched situation into laughter.

For the Record, you totally beat your back neighbor, she had nothing on you.

2006-09-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

a sales rep just came into my department looking for my manager.

thinking to myself: "she's looking for the head honcho... the big cheese..."

out loud: "you're looking for head cheese?"

2006-09-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

you know, people who say they don't know their cell phone number are a bunch of idiots. they say, "well, i don't call myself so i don't know my number."

you don't send yourself letters but you know your address!

2006-08-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

When is a Knock Knock Joke Funny? When Told by a Three Year Old

Kyle (3 Year Old with blonde curly hair)
Amy (me)

(AMY is exiting the school house after cleaning up from the music class. The children are seated for snack time around a rectangle table, and eating pears)

KYLE: (chewing some pair and holding a pear wedge in his hand) Amy, I have a shoke for you.
AMY: What? (leans towards Kyle to figure out what he is trying to tell her)
KYLE: I have a showke for you!
AMY: (still confused as to what KYLE is saying) Oh, thats great!
KYLE: Knowk knowk
AMY: (Realizing shoke is joke, and amused at the way he says knock) Whose there?
KYLE: Peaenout
AMY: Peanut who?
KYLE: Peaenout you gwad I didnt say Knowck Knowck.

2006-08-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Where's Timmy? Look Out! The Pilot's a SNAKE!

Yesterday I received a text message from Jo Anne saying, "Im sending you a scary Message."

"What?" I responded back.

She then called me and asked "Have you seen the previews for the movie Snakes on the Plane?"

"HA HA HA HA! Yes, that looks like one of the worst concepts I have ever heard of, why?"

"Im sending you a voice mail of Samuel L Jackson saying 'Go see my movie Snakes on a Plane Damn-it!' my sister sent it to me and his voice freaked me out so much, but it was hysterical."

"Now Jo Anne, you know the only way I would ever see that movie, is if I was at your house, or vise versa, and that movie came on and there was nothing else to watch, because we could make fun of it and rip it apart."

"Totally!"

"You know what! The only way that movie would be good is if it took the, Fight Club, scenario of it and the man was a paranoid Schizophrenic and hallucinated snakes on a plane, and at the end he ends up murdering everyone on the plane, and his flash backs shows that the snake slithering down the aisle was not a snake but the flight attendant serving drinks and he snapped her neck.the passenger he thought was being suffocated from a boa constrictor had no boa around him, but his arms around him suffocating him, and the snakes that surrounded him in his endless abyss was none other than the riot of passengers trying to get rid of the psycho on the plane trying to kill everyone. NOW THAT's a movie I would go see."

"HA HA HA, yeah, but the title snakes on a plane is so retarded."

"Oh Yeah! Oh wait! I know what would make it good, what if the pilot was a snake flying the plane."

"That would be so awesome, and none of the passengers get it, and he welcomes everyone hello, and then eats little Timmy."

"Yeah, and then you have the same type of special effects that Ed Wood's film, Plan 9, had, and there is a picture clouds and trees on a stick that flies by the plane suspended in air, and you see the hand holding the sticks going back and forth."

"HA HA HA! That would be so funny; I would definitely pay to see that movie!"

"Who wouldn't good thing this movie snakes on a plane came out Jo Anne, because now we have come up with two great movie concepts based on this bad one. We are brilliant, and its not even noon yet!"

Sadly I never received the voice mail from Samuel L. Jackson, and I'm sure the Cingular had intercepted the call, and is starting on one of the film scenarios that Jo Anne and I discussed. I mean how else can you explain why I didn't get the message? Cingular, I'm onto you! Just so you know, while you are recording Jo Anne and my conversations, I am recording you recording me...wait that would actually be a good idea, that way I would have Jo Anne and my conversations that we can never remember on tape. Hmmmm, sounds like to much effort. Oh Well, I'll just stick with my empty threats.

2006-08-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

It is a well known fact amongst the people who know me that I am obsessed with socks (none of these plane white or solid color socks, but stripped, argyle, or awesome socks) and Mary Janes.

As I was shopping at target I stopped off in my favorite section, (the sock section) and found that they had found a way to combine my two obsessions. That's Right! They have knit Mary Jane socks. So what did I do? I bought a couple of pairs, I love them, I wear them everywhere, and I pity those who laugh at the most wonderful creation in history. That's Right! The Mary Jane Socks.

2006-08-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

As I was eating lunch at Panera, I overheard a man on his cell phone saying, “What, she has a hit man on you? What do you mean you don’t know what a hit man is? She paid a man to kill you bro.”

1) Who doesn’t know what a hit man is?
2) What did this guy do that pissed this woman so much as to hire a hit man on him?

When I went to refill my drink the man that had the conversation on the cell phone came up right next to me to fill his drink. As I left, I told him, “It might be in your best interest to not be around your friend for the next couple of days.” Then winked. As I turned I laughed wondering if the man thought I was the hit man.

2006-07-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was going through a stack of ads. a man walked by and pretended to try to take my paperwork. without thinking, i said, "hey, don't grab my ads."

cue everyone looking at me.

2006-07-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

buy some cool shit from miss alphabet!

2006-07-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

I was so excited to finally read A Long Way Down, by Nick Hornby. I had waited for so long, pushed it on the back burners for other books, and now the time had come to read this book. However, I was sadly disappointed in the reunion of one of my beloved authors. Maybe I had put to much pressure on him, I had expected to much, but it was the first time it took me over a week to finish one of his books, and it wasn’t from lack of reading skill, just lack of a captivated audience.

With the disappointment in Mr. Hornby, I hesitated to pick up David Sedaris’s books I had. What if I was as disappointed in him as I was in the other author?. Had I grown out of these authors? Had everything changed? Was I no longer the person who understood their whit and humor, or no longer enjoyed it? I sure hope not.

I decided to swallow the butterflies stirring in my stomach and face Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris, straight in the face, and see what it had to offer. I loved it, I couldn’t put the book down, I had missed his humor, his whit. I had missed my good friend I had not heard from in to long, and before I knew it, the moment was over. However, it isn’t over, I have two more books to read from him, so his visit will be a while longer.

When I finished Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, I then reached for Holiday’s on Ice, by David Sedaris. When I had opened the front cover on the book there was a personalized message from the previous owners of the book (you see I had bought his books used, yes, I am a cheap bad book person, but hey, at least I own it right?) The message read:

Mom & Dad,
Some light and amusing tale for your Holiday leisure.
Enjoy the read. Merry Christmas and lots of love.
- Jason & Jen
X-mas ‘02

Who were Jase and Jen? What happened to Mom and Dad? What would have happened for mom and dad to sell a book from their children? Or worse, did something happen to mom and dad that made the children need to sell the books?

This little message from Jason and Jen worried me that mom and dad were no longer, and I decided to put the book down, and read Children Playing Before A Statue of Hercules, by David Sedaris and keep mom and dad a little more special for the time being.

2006-07-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

amy, i want to see your haircut!

2006-06-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

trey-lo!

2006-06-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

Naan hugs are better than curry squirts

Jo Anne came up to visit me Wednesday and Thursday, and I came to the realization that I am like those isolated children that when coming in contact with other humans their own age, they do anything for attention.

It was so much fun having a friend around who knows me, and I dont have to explain myself to.

Naturally we started off the time going to an Indian Buffet, and we ate the naan and curry as though we were stranded on an island and we didnt know when the next time we would see food, so we devoured the naan, and curry so quickly that we didnt even take time to chew, it was commence shoveling ten minutes later, and two plates full gone, we werent feeling so good.

Then on Thursday we decided to head over to the beach, and the brilliant pasty white girls we are, decided that we didnt need to put on sun screen, we wouldnt get much color. Well I stand here and attest to you that I did get a lot of color, good thing we were wise beyond our years, because I can not sit without crying as I feel as though I am getting an Indian burn on my legs every time I move. Yes, thats right; I would be classified as the crab people in South Park, and all morning I have been singing, Crab people, Crab People

But I would get burned a million times to have as much fun as I did with my friend, and even though she is gone, every time I feel the sting of the sunburn, I think of how much fun and how much we laughed.

And as a tribute, here are some of the wonderful phrases and ideas we came up with:

PF Changs Sucks:
Amy: I went to P.F. Changes yesterday and had ordered the Thai Chicken Lettuce Wraps, and they brought me a plate of Water Chestnuts and lettuce. I was so pissed, because water chestnuts are my nemesis, I hate them; they remind me of eating Styrofoam.

Jo Anne: Thats sucks, and I bet it was expensive, but at least its better the Mr. Chows.

Amy: No, it wasnt, and at least at Mr. Chows I will get meat, forget that its bunny, at least its meat.

Nicknames:
Hershey Squirts
Curry Squirts
And my personal favorite, Hairy Squirts

Quote: I dont want to be famous because I dont want to give up my right to complain.

Song: (music to Burring Ring Of Fire)
Curry came down my cornhole of fire
and it burned burned burned
and the flames went higher
and it burned burned burned
Cornhole of fire
Cornhole of Fire

2006-06-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

out of all the great things that came out of our mouths in the last 2 days, i only wrote down one. and i already used it.

bitches ain't shit.

2006-05-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning laughing at a true story told by jon:

so there's these frat guys who were on vacation in the netherlands. they'd go from bar to bar, getting all the drinks they wanted. they also scored some hard core drugs that they never could have gotten in the states. they were having such a good time until they noticed a gnome in one of the pubs.

"dude, do you see that gnome?" one asked the other.
"aaaah man, look at that thing. dude, let's take it with us."

they took the gnome back to their hotel and decided to give it some food. they kept feeding and feeding it and it kept eating and eating. finally, they could feel themselves about to pass out and call it a night, so they put the gnome in the closet for safe keeping.

in the morning, they slowly woke up and started to remember the night before. in his haze, one said to the other, "do you remember that gnome we had over here last night?"

"yeah, man. where'd the gnome go?"

"i think it's in the closet."

they cautiously opened the closet door and found a child there. after discussing what they've done the night before, they decided they would have to turn themselves in for the safety of the child. they knew they would be punished for kidnapping and/or drug possession, but they knew it was the right thing to do.

after taking the child to the police, they were told that the child had been missing for weeks and hadn't eaten probably for days. the frat boys had rescued the child and brought it to safety. they were heroes.

2006-05-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

I guess what is irritating me most right now is that people don't know how to react to me and treat me as though I am some forign stranger and any minute I am going to break down and cry.

I understand people don't know what to say to me knowing that my mom and my brother died, however, they can still talk to me, they can carry on a conversation. I'm not this unstable mess.

However my favorite comments I have recieved the past couple days have been this:

I know Sunday is going to be very hard for you....because it's mother's day.....and your mother's dead.

What am I supposed to say to that? uh thanks for stating the obvious, OH REALLY? SHE IS? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

Sometimes if you don't know what to say, it's best not to say anything.

I'm fine people, and if your words of encouragement are as blunt as the mother's day statements, trust me, I don't need to hear them.

2006-05-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

did you get your tickets yet...

to the jo-amy CONCERTO!??!!?!

2006-05-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago I went through probably the darkest time in my life, and even though now what has gone on with my Mother and My Brother it has not been as difficult to get through as those days, probably because now I have such wonderful people in my life.

The years that were the darkest so far in my life, I had the biggest jerk who portrayed himself as a friend who made it his business to make sure I felt like complete shit, and feel as though I was the most terrible person in the world, he had a way of completely deflating me. Luckily for me he is no longer part of my life.

Why am I writting about this? Because today as I checked my missed calls I saw I had a missed call from his number. I was so furiated to see that he called me, I only hope it was a mistake and he didn't delete my number so it was called in error because I do not want any part of this person in my life ever again. I wish him the best with his life, however I would like never to see or hear from him again, and with what has just happened to me, he is the last person I want to hear from, I will not let him try to control me and make me feel like a pile of shit ever again. He was not my friend.

2006-05-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

While driving to one of my there was a silver convertible in the lane in front of me with a person with big fluffy dark hair who from where I was without seeing the face looked like he was a man in his mid-fifties bopping their head forward and back, left and right, up and down, while raising their hands sporadically in a rhythmical pattern as though they were conducting a symphony.

I chuckled to myself, and smiled thinking, I love seeing someone besides me, or teenage girls rocking out to their music while driving.

As I neared the car, I had to pull beside it to see exactly who the driver was, just to put a face with who I was admiring so, thinking, this will be exactly what I will look like to other drivers when I am this age, and that is awesome.

When I pulled up next to my favorite person, I glanced over and I did a complete double take and had to stare in my rear view mirror. The person in the silver convertible was not a man but a woman, a woman who looked exactly like my mother. I smiled because my mother did do exactly that as she drove in her car, she loved singing to Donny Osmond at the top of her lungs and tap her steering wheel as though she was a drummer.

This lady, she took the car dancing to a whole new level, but she made me smile and gave me pretty much my favorite birthday gift I had received this year as I saw a glimpse of my mom and laughed at a memory of her.

Thank you my rockin' lady in the silver convertible, thank you.

2006-05-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY!

2006-05-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

amy, remember when we took these photos?

2006-05-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

i thought the services yesterday went really well. i was glad so many people came to show their support. i was glad everything went smoothly and that nobody complained about their tic-taks tasting weird.

i wish i was able to see you sooner, amy, and that there was more i could have done. but i'm glad you had an assignment for me. it was good seeing you and your family.

i love you guys!

2006-04-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

So many people has come by or sent messages about how they can help. I have felt all the prayers and the comfort that people have been sending, right now that has been so much help thank you.

Thank you so much for all the comfort and support you guys have shown my family, I know that Robert and my mother has impacted so many peoples lives, and they will be missed by more than my family.

Thank you for the stories you have shared, the memories and all of the support, it is greatly appreciated, and it really does help.

I am still hoping and praying for Chris and my Dad, I need them to feel comforted and loved, I am so worried about them. For those who can, please keep your phone calls or e-mails going to them, I know that it helps knowing that people care, and that can bring some comfort to them, even stories that you rememberd is a great help for now, and when the come back, I know they will need lots and lots of hugs.

I know it's hard because they are so far away, and we all wish we could do more. Thank you so much for your support.

2006-04-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Letter I Just Received from my dad from my mother's e-mail. Everytime I see a note from her I cry, because I know it's not her...

"This has been a trying day. We have had Chris to the hospital having X-Rays and ultrascans. It seems that all of the passengers but Chris have died. The Driver of the other car has stated that he was at fault.

We are working with Assist America to get Mom and Robert home...but the bureacracy is having us move to several institutions and hospitals just to locate where Mom and Robert are.

The hospital is a stereotype Soviet Bloc run down dilapidated and dirty place. All I can hear in my mind is MOM " Where are you Rob Porter???" "Get me out of this place!" And I can't do it! I don't even know where she is and I still have not seen her or Robert. It seems that we are going to have to go out to the scene of the crash to get Roberts personal things. Sister Clement has moms ring that was given her last night. I can't bear to take it yet.

I miss you all more than you can imagine but am so overjoyed that Chris was spared.

Love

dp"

Oh Man, I thought it was just Robert and my mother, but there were two other people in the car, Chris's friends. I can only imagine how he is feeling.

How do I help. What can I do?

I hate being so powerless, I hurt so much, I miss so much. I've stopped asking why, because there is no answer I will accept.

2006-04-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

amy,
on the worst day of your life, i can't even begin to think about what i can do for you or say to you to ease your pain. i do know what it's like to lose someone, but i can't say i know what that feels like times two.

i know you'd give anything to hear your mom bug you to clean your room. you would give anything to hear robert say something rude or make fun of someone. the truth is that they are your flesh and blood and they love you; no matter if they are on the earth right now, that love never goes away.

i suppose if comfort is one thing you need, know that your mom and robert are together. their last memories were with their family.

i'm thinking about you a lot amy. i wish i could do more. i really do.

2006-04-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

Today I lost two people who I love so dearly.

My mother and my Oldest Brother Robert.

There are so many things I want to say, so many emotions that I am feeling right now. I just finished screaming NO for I don't know how long. I feel so empty, lost, confused, SAD!

NOOOOOO! this can't be true, please, please don't be true.

My mother just died, I don't know if she ever knew how much I loved her. Please mom, don't go. I need you.

2006-04-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

The Car Accident:

This is how it happened….

Today as my brother’s and my mother were driving in Hungary, a car made an illegal move as it tried to pass another driver and ended up hitting the car Robert, Chris and My Mother were in Head on.

As Chris looked at Robert, there was blood coming out of his head, but he looked ok, he started to give him a blessing as they waited for the ambulance to come get him, as my mother started screaming because her head was falling out of the window, he leaned back to help my mother, as she and my brother were bleeding out, Robert passed out. The ambulance arrived and Chris started yelling at them to “GET ROBERT! GET ROBERT!” but they couldn’t because he was pinned in the car as Chris watched him die, and my mother pass, bleeding as the paramedics pulled her from the car rushed her to the hospital.

My mother is in critical condition so Chris has not seen her since she was pulled out of the car, and my Dad has not seen her at all.

Chris is racked in torment feeling as though he could have done something to save them. But it’s not his fault.

I can’t stop crying, and my heart is completely broken for Chris, and my Dad, and of course Robert and my mother.

WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY!

What do I do? I want to be in Hungary to help somehow, I want to be there to give them a hug, to be there.

I can’t stop crying.

2006-04-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

My parents were traveling in Hungary with my Brothers Robert and Chris.

Today I received this e-mail from my dad

There has been a terrible auto accident in Hungary. Robert has been killed and Mom has a broken arm and internal injuries. I am leaving shortly with the Clements. Please pray for us!!!!

I read it as broke down screaming and crying, and then immediately called my sister to find out if this was some quick joke, however shortly after I received a phone call from my dad reiterating exactly what the e-mail said, as we cried he asked me to contact everyone in the family and let them know.

Im still trying to process everything, and I had to call my brothers and sisters and let them know as well as Roberts girlfriend and tell them he died.

Robert, Im so sorry, I love you so much, and will miss you so much, I know we argued a lot, however, we did have a lot of good times. I love you and I will miss you so much.
I wish I could have had more time with you Robert. Even with all of our differences, you were an amazing person. I love you, we all love you.

Mom, I love you, please be ok, please, please, please be ok.

I hope Chris is OK - I know how hard it is on me, it's got to be even more becasue he was in the car, and the only one still standing, as he watched out brother die, and my mother I don't know if she was concious or not.

I hope my dad is ok - He wasn't feeling good this morning, and I don't know if he was having chest pains again, and he usually has heart attacks from emotional stress, and his son just died, as well as the love of his life. Oh Dad, I'm so sorry. I love you.

I don't know what to do, I don't know. I miss them so much and I can't even be there to do anything, all I can do is sit back and wait to hear what is happening.

I just cant stop crying, and Im all alone, I wish I had family near, but mostly, I wish that I will get a call and told it was all a big joke and that my brother is still alive, and that my mother is ok.

2006-04-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

Mom and DP -

You guys are going to need to sit down for this....I don't know how to tell you, but somebody has broken into you house.....

They stole your entire kitchen, honestly, they ripped out the cupboards, the counters, the stove, THEY TOOK THE STOVE! I mean why would someone do that? But it gets worse....they left a letter telling me "Tomorrow they are removing the floor." There was no ultimatum, no way to arrange for the floor to be saved, they are taking it. I guess you have pissed off the wrong people this time, because they are ripping apart your kitchen literally stone by stone, what's next, holes in the walls?

I bet my parents love me as a daughter, they are out of the country sending my e-mails about how everything is going and that’s how I responded to them.

Think they would have learned their lesson when I went to New York and when they called to make sure I made it safely, I called them back and told them, “Good news, the plane didn’t crash. Bad news, my friends never came to pick me up, and I took a cab, and I am lost in Schenectady, I don’t know where the hell I am, or how to get back. Oh Well, good thing I made friends with this toothless fellah over here. Gus, say hi.”

2006-04-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Partial phone conversation between Jo Anne and Myself.

"Hey Jo Anne how are you doing?"

"I can't complain."

"Really? I can, In fact complaining is what makes the world go round. If we didn't have anything to complain about then what is the point of life? Nobody would have a cause."

"Wow, you're deeper than shit on Tax." She responded with an amyism.

I'm so glad she reminded me to file my taxes.

2006-04-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

I hate people.

Now this has nothing to do with easter, because I had an awesome easter, my parents were out of town, so that meant that our family was not forced to have a big family gathering. No obligations, to forced situations, freedom for a holiday.

My awesome and amazing sister michelle, decided to drive down from Sacramento and we had a movie fest, and watched TV as though we were born couch potatoes, it was good finally catching up on movies I said, I will go see, but never had the chance, so now I am well versed about the following:
The 40 year old Virgin
Waiting
The Constant Gardner
The Weather Man
Sahara
and also the 6th Season of Sex and the City. I love that show.

It rained and it rained, so of course TV and Movies is the best way to go.

So why do I hate people? Because I have some fucker who keeps bothering me on the internet, and if it was a friend doing a prank, the prank has gone to far, so whoever this is, I hope I don't find out because you are pathetic, and if it is a real person, then I have yet another stalker on my hands. Hence, I hate people, no I hate these people, "You're hot, I love you, why are you afraid of what might happen, I'm a short fat man, and we are perfect for each other."

*It doesnt matter about his weight, I am just so sick of people telling me they love me when the know nothing about me, exept for what I look like, and if you are basing love on appearances, then what makes you think you could have me? I'm not the type to fall in love with appearances, but if that is the type of thing you are basing your love on is my appearance, then shouldn't I deserve the same? I hate people.

2006-04-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

wanna see what bully ducks to do nerd ducks?

2006-04-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

I wake up this morning and my big toe on my right foot feels as though it's broken, and my ankle is killing me.

I'm shocked about two things:

1) I fell asleep!

2) How did I hurt my foot?

I wonder if someone found out about my crime fighting skills, hyptnotized me and is using me as a pawn in their evil scheme to take over the world. Damn! why am I so weak minded.

2006-04-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

more ebay fun from missalphabet!

2006-04-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

I was laughing with my brother today over our experience last week. We decided to go to institute (for those of you who don’t know what institute is, it is basically a Bible Study Class) so when we get there the teacher looks at us and says, “I have never seen you before, who are you.”

We tell her our names and then she goes on telling everyone how glad she is to finally be married, and when she got married she was so sad because she knew that she couldn’t go on another mission. Of course my brother and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh at the strange comment, but also knowing this would be a long class.

After she is finished bragging about her finally being married, she once again looks at us and in a demeaning way asks us “So why did you come to this class?” Neither Chris nor I knew how to respond to this question, so we just shook our heads and said, uh, I don’t know.

Today as we were laughing about that, I told him he should have told her, “I came because I met this hot chick and I thought she would be here. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

He laughed and shook his head and said, “No I should have said, I came because I knew you were teaching, and I’m in love with you.

Then she would respond, But I’m married!

Then I would say,(his voice becoming low and sultry) yeah but that never stopped David.” As he raised his eyebrows.

I was laughing so hard for two reasons, one because that would be freaking awesome, and if there was a David in the class and people didn’t know the Bible story, they would have thought What did David Do?

2006-04-10T01:23:00.000-07:00

I was just asked to pose in a bathing suit for a photo shoot laying by a pool and standing in a pool.

There is one thing I could never pull off, looking sexy in a bathing suit with a big fat pig shooting pictures for he and his friends to view.

Aside from that, everyone who's anyone knows I hate taking pictures fully clothed let alone in a bathing suit, let alone for a strange disgusting man who probably wants it to jack off.

2006-04-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

i watched st. elmo's fire for the first time a couple of nights ago. what a completly pointless movie! i have a few questions about it. maybe someone can fill me in.

what made ally sheedy such a catch? her hair doesn't even move.

why didn't the mormon girl save herself for marriage instead of blowing it on a guy like rob lowe? and why would a guy like rob lowe want to even hang out with such a prude?

what made andie macdowell so calm when emilio had psycho stalker date rapist clearly written on his forehead? and why did he give up after the kiss? tell me again how he found her cabin in the mountains???

why wasn't judd nelson hot in this movie?

2006-04-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

I guess I should be flattered that my students in the music classes like me so much they want me to preform at their Birthday Parties. However when I say preform, it's more like be the musical clown, and we all know how I feel about clowns.

I have recieved my fifth request now, and I laugh when parents walk up to me and ask, "Do you preform for parties."

I sit on a rug, with children surrounding me, singing children songs, I think I should take this gig to the streets and see what kind of money I will make....hmmmm I see another early retirement in my near future.

2006-04-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

6 hours of my life I will never get back, and if I ever have to watch it in heaven again in my Bark a Lounger chair, I will be pissed off and ask to see the manager...

So last night I get a call that some people are going Salsa Dancing in San Francisco, do I want in?
I think, why not, sure I’ll go. (if I could turn back time the answer would be hell no.)

I won’t go into details of the entire night, because I don’t want to waste your time, or re-live it and I need to find out your reactions to these kind of comments, Some of them I will put in my reactions, or my thoughts, and others, well you can fill in the details.
----
“Have you ever had a NCMO?”

Who the hell uses the term NCMO? How old are you? No seriously, who uses ncmo?
----

“Amy, Tell me something about yourself that I don’t know.”

“What do you want to know, at this point, all you know is my name is Amy, and what I look like.”

“Tell me something that your best friend doesn’t even know about you.”

-----

“Oh I hate that person, he is a total cuddle whore”

Cuddle Whore? Once again where do they come up with these terms, cuddle whore and NCMO?
-----

“I can never marry someone who isn’t a good kisser”

“I can never marry a man who doesn’t know where all the erogenous zones are, and who doesn’t know how to nibble. Oh did I say that out loud? Sorry you better plug your NCMO Cuddle Whoring ears, because there is life outside of kissing, and unless you kneel down and pray you’ll never find out about it.”

----

Even though I couldn't stand the people I went out with last night I did learn something, never hang out with a group of single adult mormons...they will invite you somwhere, make you drive them, then conviniently leave their money at home after ordering a bunch of food for you to pay for them, and upon that will never deviate from this conversation...."Have you ever had a NCMO?"

Next time that question is said in my car I am pulling over and leaving the questioneer at the side fo the road.

2006-04-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

It may have been a bold move I made last night deciding to wean myself off of sleeping pills.

Why? Let's put things into perspective.

I started my new classes I will be teaching, so changing from having to be anywhere until 11:00pm I have to teach children at 9:00am.

no big deal right? well not quite. Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person?

This is also the first week of Daylight Savings, so even though it's 9:00am, my body says 8:00am.

Somebody asked me last week if that one hour really makes a difference, and I told him, let me put it this way, waking up 5 minutes earlier makes a difference to me, so what do you think?

His response, "well I hate Fall."

Mine, "And I hate you."

I'm still not sure if I was joking or not.

2006-04-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

Conversation between my 6 year old piano student this morning and me.

“My cousin has been bugging be every day the past 2 months.”

“She has?”

“Yes, she has been annoying me for 268 days, that’s every day the past two months.”

“WOW! That’s amazing, because usually there are only 62 days in two months.”

“I know, she even annoyed me on my birthday, and all I wanted for my birthday was earplugs so I could ignore her.”

2006-03-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

Two things that has made my day so far:

1st one:
This morning as I was teaching mitchell he was eating goldfish, durning the lesson he asked if he could get some more, I said, "your lesson is almost over, so you can get some more when we are finished."

After his lesson he told me, "I love my piano lessons, I it more than I love goldfish." and then he gave me a big hug.

2nd One:

I met with Carol to go over my class lists and all my students, and while I was waiting, I heard Daniel, One of my piano students whisper to my friend, "C'mon you want to see my piano teacher."

I turned and saw them sneaking up behing me, and I smiled and waved at them, then they decided to give me a tour of the daycare that they are in.

Carol came, and we had our meeting, and I will be picking up a bunch of new classes, after the meeting as I walked out of the conference room, daniel and emily (his friend) had greeted me with pictures they had drawn for me, and once again I was showered with huggs.

------
Now this is an added bonus, now that I have more schools I will be taking on, I can move out once again on my own. YES! YES! YES! YES!

Today is a good day.

2006-03-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

Today I confirmed that I am evil...

They were testing the fire alarms at the studio, so the receptionist warned us that the alarm might go off. So I told each of my students that there might be a loud alarm that will go on during the lesson, but not to worry it will be ok.

After my lessons were finished, there had not been an alarm, so as I packed up my things to leave, suddenly I heard the monstrous piercing sound of the fire alarm, and immediately children started running by with the look of panic flashing in their faces as they all screamed "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" while running for their lives.

I had to cover my face to hide my laughter, however in my defense, I knew they were ok, and they looked so cute even though they were terrified.

Like I said, I know I am evil.

2006-03-27T15:18:00.000-08:00

Well this week is spring break for me, so how did I start it? I stayed up all night watching TV, and then woke up this morning to watch some soap operas. Oh How I have missed late night TV and daytime television, it was pure magic.

Did anyone catch VH1 Classics last night, the pay and request hour, they played every version of 99 lump balloons. Now I love the song as much as anyone, however 30 minutes of this song, especially the video is enough to make one laugh, It reminded me of when the radio station KWSS was sold, they played Louis Louis, the entire weekend, and I learned so many versions of Louis Louis, I never knew existed, and have never heard of again. ( I think my favorite version is a tie between the polka version and it being sung backwards)

Then I realized I was tired, because a commercial came on with two children playing Simon Says, and then all of a sudden a creepy voice speaks over the game and says, “Simon didn’t say Die.” I was laughing until teers came out, and I still think that was hysterical.

Then Today on Days of Our Lives, I felt horrible for Austin, because the woman he is in love with, “Ran off with some Soap Opera Star.” LOL that is great dialogue for a soap opera if you ask me. A Soap Opera Star, on a Soap Opera, complaining that the woman he loves ran off with some Soap Opera Star. Oh it doesn’t get any better than that. Oh and quick question, is the guy from Real World New Orleans now on Days of Our Lives?

Yes, I am living my spring break to the fullest, sitting on my ass watching TV.

2006-03-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

Pour Some Sugar on Me, and My Conspiracy Theory

This morning as I was driving to work today I was run off the road by another driver. Now a I know what some of you are thinking, she is a woman, so more than likely she wasn’t paying attention to a driver trying to merge. This was not the case, and it wasn’t an accident, it was a planned out calculated event, and I have stumbled on a conspiracy theory, and I know that this may lead to my death and destruction, but that is a risk I am willing to take to bring my readers the truth about a dark underworld you need to know about.

Last night as I’m on the phone with Jen, I decided I needed to give Cingular Wireless a phone call and request all of my recorded conversations that they have. I need the material for my book, and Jo Anne and I are well aware, the majority of the funny things we say are over the phone, which end up quickly forgotten, never to be heard from another being again. I am also quite aware that my conversations are being recorded because numerous of my ideas have made it to commercials and on TV shows, and the only explanation for this is Cingular is capitalizing on my phone conversations.

Later on that evening I was laughing with Jo Anne on the phone because I couldn’t fall asleep the night before, so I decided to turn on the radio, and “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard was on, so naturally I had to sing along and remained awake the remainder of the night singing “I’m hot sticky sweet….. Do you take sugar, one lump or two…… I got the peaches you got the cream…..” in my head all night, there is just something about that song, that makes me want to dance on a table and swing around a pole. Naturally because I brought up the song with Jo Anne, we both had to pay tribute to it and start singing it with each other, and while we do I tell her that there is something about butt rock that makes me smile. Now at this point I came up with an analysis that was gold, so gold Jo Anne made me write it down, however this notebook has suddenly gone missing, which I will go into more detail later, but the gist of the idea was something like this:

How can music that stems from white trash either makes me smile or Cringe. For instance, Butt Rock is awesome, yet country makes me want stab my ears with an ice pick. I think it’s because butt rock is supposed to be funny, there’s no deep hidden meaning to it, yet country are stupid people trying to philosophize and be smart, and this pisses off normal people. White trash love both types, however anyone who is not, hates country. So for any of us who are not sure if we are lower class, middle class or upper class, if you like country, there is your answer. (I am able to say white trash, because I am white, but if you are not white you can never use this term, for the same reasons that I cannot use the N word, you racist pricks. Oh and it’s ok to use honkey we don’t care.” In Conclusion those who bring us both types of genres, you can go on your white trash way, and bring me my butt rock.

What does this have to do with me getting run off the road?

Well as I said at the beginning of this post, as I was nearing my exit for my first lesson of the day, I merged to the exit lane, and as I did, the car that was driving in front of me in the prior lane slowed down abruptly and started driving side by side with me. I didn’t know if he was trying to get over or what, so I tried to make it so he could merge, however he matched my speed no matter what I did. I turned to look at the driver to find out what was going on, and the man started blowing kisses at me, and lifting his chin up as if he was saying what’s up.

Naturally I look forward and give no more notice to this idiot, and because of the subtle rejection, he then proceeds to merge into my lane and force me off the freeway. (Or so I thought.)

Luckily it was my exit, but in any case what an Ass Hole. WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? At this point I definitely hate everybody.

When I get home I decide to get my notebook and write down my conversation that Jo Anne made me write down the night before and write it in the blog, however when I go to my desk it isn’t there, I search through out my room and it is nowhere to be found. At this point I know that Cingular Wireless has set it’s goons out to take me out and have stolen my notebook. However, Cingular is just a pawn in this sick and twisted game, because the head of the entire scandal is the Mormon Mafia, which is run by my mother, and I know I am on her hit list, because I failed to clean the bathroom. The world is not safe for a woman like me. I’ll be lucky if I see tomorrow.

2006-03-25T16:54:00.000-08:00

watch my new video called "roxie's hatred!"

2006-03-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

ross employees must look like liza!

...yes, i stole it suzanne because you saved it on MY desktop!

2006-03-21T23:57:00.000-08:00

I have been so cold lately. I thought it was just because my house feels as though we are living in Alaska, I swear I can see my breath when I talk. Needless to say it has been so hard for me to stop shivering and go anywhere without layers upon layers of clothes, not to mention a blanket.

However I have been cold pretty much everywhere I have gone the past two days and have not been able to warm up. So today at the gym I decided to go into the sauna, there is no way I would still be freezing in there right?

I was in a cold sweat the entire time. I was sitting there in a sauna wrapping my towel around me for more warmth and still freaking cold.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I WAS IN A FREAKING SAUNA.

2006-03-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

last weekend i volunteered for the rogue festival. i felt kind of bad cuz i had been bugging a few of the behind-the-sceners about having a fashion show even though we missed registration. so one night i sat outside in the freezing cold and took tickets, and the second night i sat at the back of the room (not in the rain!) and took tickets. i also got to watch the show, which was flamenco dancers! you should have been up on that stage, amy.

2006-03-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

want to know why i love my friend?

in celebrating st. patty's day (hey, any excuse for a party), he made lime jello "shots" in cute little plastic cups as part of the green food pot luck. i was talking to him at his desk, and noticed a few of them by his keyboard.

"why are those lighter green than the others?" i asked.
"because they're the real jello shots," he said and handed me one.

2006-03-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

What is my problem? I’m Too Short to Be An Astronaut, And Too Tall to Be a Midget.

I always thought I was just being paranoid at certain gas stations that when I would use my credit card to pay at the pump the attendants would turn off my pump so it would flash to me and tell me I had to go in to see the cashier.

Today when I went to fill up my gas tank, once again the pump flashed to me and told me that I had to go see the cashier. I decided screw this, I really don’t want to deal with a human today, other than the ones I get paid to talk to.

So As I am getting into my car to drive away, a short middle eastern man walks up to me and says: “Hey pretty lady, I work here, you have to go inside and talk with me, I have turned off your pump, I am going to fill your tank with gas.”

I was stunned and didn’t know what he was talking about and I stared at him thinking, this man is a liar, I just saw him blocking me from getting into the gas station a few seconds ago, when I wanted to run him over because he slowly crossed the street and stared into my car.

“I work here.” He said. “You don’t believe me?”

“I believe you.”

“Wait right here, I’ll turn on the pump for you.”

I should have gotten into the car and driven away, but I just wanted to fill my tank with gas, and go on my way, and I figured he would turn the pump on and leave me alone. Right?....Wrong. So he turned on the pump, then came out took the nozzle out of my hands and started filling my car up with gas, as he proceeded to tell me “I want to fill your tank, but not your cars.”

Oh Great! I would have punched him in the face he not been the one with the gas nozzle and I was not afraid that he would douse me with gasoline and light me on fire if I did.

So I sat there quietly listening to the man tell me how beautiful I was, and that he is looking for a dance partner and do I know of any. And if I had a boyfriend. Once again, imaginary man comes out, and I say "YES!"

My gas tank is filled and he tells me “Your tank is full, and so are you.”

WHAT!

Then he grabs my hand and pulls me into the gas station area for me to pay, as he tells me he has handcuffs over and over, and I am thinking, I swear if you even try and touch me, I will wrap my legs around you and strangle you faster than you can get all hot and turned on in doing so, and I will pop your balls off in the process, because as I am strangling you with my legs, I am in that position that I am able to do so, you are my bitch.

So in the little office he charges me for gas, but he also gives me a bunch of candy bars on the house and tells me he loves me and for me to ditch my boyfriend because he will buy me a Mercedes, and love me all night long as well as try and get information about me, and where I live, and tell me some more dirty jokes about how I like it downtown ect.

I left and told him thanks for the candy, and he asked when he would see me again, and I told him, next time I stop in here and get gas.

When will that next time be? Never, No No NEVER EVER DON'T YOU EVER THINK IT! (thank you for that say anything moment)

It pisses me off that I wasn’t being paranoid and they really are shutting down my gas pump to talk to me. That just pisses me right the hell off.

2006-03-18T12:54:00.000-08:00

It's going to cost me over $1,000 to fix my car. LUCKY ME!

2006-03-18T00:06:00.000-08:00

Well I went to a party tonight, and the sad part is the highlight of my day was getting my car towed.

Is it bad that as I looked around at the people at this party that I hated each and every one of them, and hoped they chocked on their own toungs?

I'll find out tomorrow how much damage there will be to my car, I'm wishing for the best, but expecting to be in for a nice couple of years added on to my debt, and I was so close to completely being debt free. oh well.

The best part of being towed was as my car was being put onto the Tow Truck, the elementary school accross from me all came out and huddled around to watch the momentous occation. I love that I was able to draw a crowd.

I guess I'm just trying to fall asleep, and using this as the void to help me.

enough mindless ramblings for tonight.

2006-03-17T13:47:00.000-08:00

Well I can honestly let everyone know that being stranded on the side of the freeway with a car that will not start is not as fun as it looks, so for all of you who wish to one day be in that predicament, maybe shoot for another goal.

Last night as I was driving on 87 I heard a loud “Ping” then my car started sounding like a dying hound dog and it stopped running right there on the freeway, how I was able to roll to the side of the freeway, I will never know. As I am slowly merging to the shoulder of the freeway, hoping to make it off at Capital Expressway, my car finally came to a halt, however I was still partially blocking the lane. Shit shit shit shit, what do I do?

For any of you who know this freeway and this exit going southbound on 87, you will note that the shoulder is not so big, and there is a huge concrete wall, so there is no way to get out of the car, especially when cars in the lane next to you are darting by and if you were to open the door, that is nothing but death and carnage facing you.

So I do the first thing that comes into my mind, I panicked, called my dad and started panicking of course getting him worried. Why did I call my dad? What can he do? Well, because all I could think about was my dad knows all there is about cars. So As I’m telling him my car is broken down at the side of the road, I start to calm down, and all of a sudden in a very calm voice, I pretend as though nothing happened, and I wasn’t just panicking and asking what to do, and I say, Hey Dad, could you get me the number of a Tow Truck Company? (I swear I have multiple personalities)

So I get a tow truck on it’s way, and about 20 minutes of waiting a cop comes by to tell me he has an officer on his way and they are going to puck me off the freeway.

As I wait with the motorcycle of the cop flashing it’s lights in front of me, it becomes very impossible for me to see clearly, (imagine staring in a bright light and then your sight after that, that’s about what I had, for 15 minutes, nothing but the flashing cop lights in my face)

So cars are blitzing my, and then all of a sudden there is a calm stillness on the freeway, and for some reason, there is not one car in sight, not one passing by. The officer comes to my window and tells me, grab onto your steering wheel, and whatever you do don’t let go.

WHAT?

So I look in my rear view mirror, and from the spots of light that are permanently imprinted in my eyesight, I see another motorcycle cop, swerving side to side on the freeway. I had closed down the freeway, and caused a traffic jam (sorry for all of you people on 87 southbound last night at around 8:30pm that was me.)

So as the motorcycle cop is keeping all of the drivers back, a cop car comes up behind me and slammed into the back of my car, and I’m holding onto the wheel, but it won’t turn, and everything is locked up, and my car starts turning into the freeway to the center meridian. HOLY SHIT!

Then through the car’s intercom behind me I hear, “What is this guy doing, does he want to die today, where does he think he’s going.” And the cop continues to push me from behind, as my car donut holes around the freeway, and I’m trying to slam on my breaks to stop the cop from ramming me and let him know that my steering is locked up and stop pushing me. Finally, the cop that originally had talked to me earlier comes to my door, and calls the cop car off of me, and helps me try and get the car moving, after a while, we get the steering to move, and I am able to be pushed off the freeway.

Once I’m off the freeway, completely embarrassed, frazzled, and feeling like the worlds biggest idiot in the world, I call the tow company and let them know of my new location.

All of a sudden my tow truck in shinning armor comes blitzing by, and my hero of the day comes to my window and flashes his toothless grin, and says, “I’ve been looking for you.”

We get my car loaded on the truck and he drives me home. THANS BOB! My tow trucking man.

Today as my dad is checking out my car, he tells me that my Timing Belt has snapped, so I may or may not need a new engine depending on if there is clearance.

There are two scenarios that go with this problem.

1st scenario: the timing belt breaks, and there is enough clearance that it doesn’t bend the pistons.

2nd Scenario: The Timing Belt Breaks and you have to replace your engine because the pistons break and your engine is shot to hell.

So my car is getting towed once again, however this time to the dealership. Please wish me luck that there is clearance and I only have to replace the timing belt, and maybe the water pump, I am completely screwed if I have to buy a new engine.

Oh and once again, I’m sorry for those of you who were stuck on the freeway for a couple of minutes yesterday, I hope I didn’t make you late for anything, and if I could I would have traded spots with any one of you.

2006-03-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

I was so proud of myself last night when I was able to hold my own in playing basketball with my brother. It has been years since I had played, and I still got it.

However, this morning I was wondering why are my arms, legs, and back so sore? Damn, I am not looking forward to the mountain of children that jump on me at the end of the music classes today. I wonder how much the parents would complain if during the last song I just run out of the classroom to avoid being trampled on my their children?

Damn I’m tired. More importatnly, I'm a whimp.

However what do you expect from the woman when she hears how busy people are, and everything they do, gets exhausted, and needs to take a nap in order to create the balance in the universe?

2006-03-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

If you didn't love Annie before, maybe this will change your mind, She called me today excited and here is a bit of the conversation:

Annie: Amy, guess what! Friday is Satan Patrick's day

Amy: It's Satan's Patrick day?

Annie: YES! And you have to wear green or else you will get pinched.

Amy: Who will pinch you?

Annie: Rude people.

2006-03-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

hey amy- i want to move somewhere too. even though i can't leave til september, i'm still looking for different places to go.

but, the news cracked yesterday that the company that owns the fresno bee just bought knight ridder, which translates to more cities to transfer to!

look at findmyspot.com. it's fun!

2006-03-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

Well it’s that time again, apartment shopping, and this time as I’m checking out all the places that cost and arm and a leg to live, I was thinking to myself, hey, why not check out what prices are like in other states.

So I’m searching through Oregon, Washington, Colorado, Utah for laughs, Minnesota, Michigan, and I’m finding I can move to any of these states and do as I did in Arizona, temporarily retire, and live in a 3 bedroom apartment. What the hell? That just makes me cringe that living expenses are so high. For a studio in California I can pay $700 for 300 square feet, or I can move to any of these states, and get a new 2 or three bedroom apartment 1200 square feet for only $400 a month.

Of course my mind is waundering with the idea of just picking up and leaving, and yet, nowI wonder how much living expenses are in other countries, screw this place all together. However I do love my job, but at the same time, I could move to the middle of nowhere and be a writer a painter or the crazy lady with lots of reptiles living in her apartment, and that would be fun.

Hmmmmm, stranger in my hometown, or stranger in a new area? Which do I choose?

More than likely I’ll stay here where I hate it completely, because if I can’t complain about how much I hate San Jose then what good am I? I mean really, what good am I?

2006-03-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

NOOOOOOO!! say it isn't so!!!! who's going to be the new chef??????

2006-03-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

I have a new fascination that I feel I need to do a study on.

It all started when I was sitting in my car, outside of my parents house talking to jo anne on the phone, and a man ran by with his thumbs up. I excused myself for a moment to shout thanks, and give him the thumbs up right back at him. Then a few minutes later, another man ran by with his thumbs up, at this point I thought, maybe they weren't giving me the thumbs up, but I responded the same as I had the previous runner.

Was this thumbs up running a coincidence? Were these two runners just happy running so they felt as though they should let the world know with the national "Good Job" sign?

A couple days later as I was in 24 hour fitness I started paying attention to the men running on the tread mills to answer these questions and do you know what I noticed? All of them had their thumbs up. I found it quite amusing that the men all ran with their thumbs up. Why is it so? Is it something that if you have the Y chromosome you just do? Or is it a regional thing, that not all men run this way, just the ones who live by me?

I’ve not decided to make it my duty to get to the bottom of this, and understand why men run with their thumbs up. I will start by hanging out at various running trails, and count the different people running by, and see how many has the thumbs up, then after I have gotten my calculations, I will start interviewing the various case studies to find out why? Do they know it? Or is it some deep rooted obsession with The Fonze.

You can find out all about my results in my published works, Men Who Run With Their Thumbs Up, and The Woman Who Loves Them.

Now Jo Anne, I do realize that this is going to push back our Lactose Intolerance Project, but don’t worry, one day you will be able to compete in the Gallon Challenge, I promise you that.

2006-03-08T13:19:00.000-08:00

Well I was reminiscing over the Roland West Test. For those of you who do not know who this DJ, and have never participated in the Roland West Test, let me describe it for you.

The Roland West Test is:

Partial Lyrics from a Song will be said, in this case written, and you the contestant need to finish the phrase, and name the artist and song.

Get it? Got it? Good.

And the Three songs are:

1) Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand….

2) But to me, coming from you, Friend is….

3) But I won’t be your concubine….

2006-03-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

Highlights of Jo Anne coming to visit:

1) Watching the Academy Awards and cheering every time Brokeback Mountain won an oscar just to annoy Robert.

2) If Brokeback was nominated but didn’t win, saying that the clip or the movie that had won was due to homosexual innuendoes also to make Robert mad. (Robert had never seen any of the movies nominated, and neither had we, but he doesn't know that.

3) Seeing steam come out Roberts ears because Hollywood has turned gay, and well, so has he.

4) INDIAN FOOD! That is always a plus, especially when Jo Anne and I polished off the entire amount of Naan in the buffet, and then most of the second round they brought out.

5) Driving down the freeway and watching a Green Honda open the door on the driver's side of the car, roll out, then watch as the Honda drive into a white Mitsubishi Gallant and explode. I can’t believe it didn’t make the news.

6) Singing along to Jeff Buckley and then sighing and taking a moment of silence after he finished singing Lover You Should Have Come Over. (I admit, if I am stuck in a room with a man partially attractive and that song is playing, I might just have my way with him.)

7) D to the S to the dubbba dubba You. (DSW) I wasn’t able to go, I had to work, but I was helping her pick out shoes overthe phone when I came up with the jingle, I hope she sang it out loud for the entire store to hear.

8) “I love the hospital.
“You do not, you love Taco Bell.”

9) Jo Anne you were not here to witness this, but Robert was watching a Disney movie and nobody was around, so yes I did let him in that the only adult men who watch Disney movies are Gay or have children…..

10) We love us, and polls in everyone we have asked agreed, We love us. You can’t argue with statistics like that.

2006-03-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

DB came down from Sonoma and as always it was quite hysterical.

We decided to go bike riding, so we loaded our bikes into the back of her truck and headed to the Coyote Creek Trail. On our way there was a man with the most amazing mullet I have ever witnessed, it was far better then Mr. Achy Breaky Heart, and he had beautiful curls flowing down his back, while the front was maintained in such a professional business look. I felt as though he should have pulled his amazing main into a black ribbon, tie a bow, and wear fitted black pants with a pirate blouse.

Once we arrived at the Coyote Trail, we pulled the bikes out and started on our way, DB was having some trouble, and started asking me, “is it normal that my feet are hitting the tires?”

How big are your feet? I’m thinking to myself, as I’m imagining that she is riding bow legged or the bike is too small for her so she is on a tri-cycle in a beer guzzling relay. “Walk the bike up the hill and then Try Again”

She does, and then we proceed to attempt to ride the trail again, until not even two strides, I hear “WHOOOAH” and before I can turn around I start laughing and tell her, “You really are terrible at riding a bike.”

When I turned around, I see the Tire of DB’s bike Perpendicular to the rest of the bike and the handles pulled completely off the bike, and in her hands. We laughed until I thought I would wet myself, and the entire way back home to get the tools to fix the bike.

After we fixed the Bike we went back to the trail and made it a good way, until we decided to take a turn off on a dirt hill, as I turned, it was my turn for my bike to malfunction, as I went down the hill, then turned to go up, my tire twisted, and my handle bars came off, and I nearly feel off my bike on the dirt mountain.

There is only one explanation that comes of this, Natalie put a hex on the bikes before she moved out. No wonder she left it behind, and no wonder they nearly killed both DB and me.

GOOD NEWS!

Jo Anne is coming up to San Jose.

Question?

Who is a retard the one who can’t pee in a toilet, or the one who asks the one who can’t aim to wipe up the pee they left behind.

No matter what your answer, this piss ant who claims I'm the retard for catching him, and in my defense he is because he can't make it into the big hole with water, and then he claims it's not pee, all I have to say is I guess it isn’t pee on your pillow after I wiped it up with it, and you shouldn't mind because it must be your drool.

In any case it doesn't matter who the retard is because the one who pees and leaves it behind so that I have to clean up after it, you will be sleeping in whatever you think it is.

(Don’t you dare feel sorry for the rat bastard, if you knew him, and had to listen to him screaming and yelling all day, and ripping you apart, the silent revenge is what you do. It almost makes it worth while to listen to it, because all I picture is his sweet face ignorantly cuddling up to feecies.) Keep it up, and I might just rub the toilet brush on your suit you ass hole.

2006-03-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

it's starting to get a little more sunny out. you know the warm weather is coming when girls start showing their belly buttons.

2006-02-24T15:55:00.000-08:00

during my lunch break, i like to take a quick nappy nap on the recliner in the break room. when nobody's around, the sensor-lights shut off and i drift off to the gentle hum of the coke machine. unfortunately, there's another jo ann (no E!) in the building who takes a lunch at the same time i do and who also chooses this way to spend her lunch break. when she comes in and i'm already in the chair, she'll vocalize her anger, "who's in MY chair?!!" and then settle for the other chair until i show a slight inclination of getting up. then she will collect her things and get ready to take my chair the second my butt leaves its comfy haven.

when i walk in and she's already in it, i see her smirk until she falls asleep. and she snores.

sometimes when she's taken claim to it, i'll put my hot food back in the microwave (one of the first ever made- the kind they still have at 711 that sounds like a lawnmower). other times, i'll strike up a noisy conversation with anyone else there. or i decide today i'll read one word on every page of the newspaper.

hmf!

2006-02-24T12:21:00.000-08:00

Jo Anne,

this song is for you, during the party here is the song we could not for the life of us remember, because all that would play through our vacuous heads of ours were the lyrics for "Livin on a Prayer" and "Wanted Dead or Alive" So here you have it, the lyrics for "You Give Love a Bad Name" and after you read this,picture me pointing, laughing, and saying, "SEE! I told you we're half way there is not in this song." Along with Erin trying to dance to it, and as she swings her legs around the bench falling into the planter box.

You Give Love A Bad Name (Bon Jovi)
An angel’s smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion’s a prison, you can’t break free
OOOOOOH
You’re a loaded gun
There’s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done
Chorus:
Shot through the heart
And you’re to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad nameYou give love a bad name

Paint your smile on your lips
Blood red nails on your fingertips
A school boy’s dream, you act so shy
Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye
OOOOOOOH
You’re a loaded gun
There’s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Now tell me this did not make you laugh and smile as Bon Jovi being played naturally does, and you know you will sing at the top of your lungs with your eyes closed and start poudning your chest while fists are clenched, as though you are Celien Dion does singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in Las Vegas. (Do you ever worry that one moment she will punch a hole and preform open heart surgery on herself?)

Oh and on another note, I am a total retard and it dawned on me that you had text messaged me a bunch of Dane Cook quotes, and here I thought you were having a terrets episode, but alas, it was I who was the idiot.

2006-02-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

dale told me yesterday that his friend erin woke up the next day sore and she didn't know why. weeeeel, i know why! she was dancing on the bench and i turned my back for a second and then i heard a THUD! she was on the ground with a skinned knee.

another highlight of the party: dale's friend asks him if he had any bon jovi to play. he looked at her and said, "we're GAY!"

2006-02-22T17:57:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow my brother Chris gets back from his Mission in Buda Pest, Hungary. (Becky from Utah, if you are reading this, you would have liked him…sign of the cross…rest in Peace… bless you my child)

For those of you who have never heard of this Country, uh, well I don’t know what to say other than you are as retarded as this person I spoke with last night, and all I could do was scratch my head and think, is it just me or is this guy an idiot, and then when he said, small world my question had been confirmed because it is a small world, then you should have definitely heard of Hungary.

Anyways, back to Chris coming home, my mother is going crazy, getting all nervous and excited, as a mother should, and now instead of counting down the days, she is counting down the hours, minutes and seconds for when Chris, the apple of her eye, the cream in her butter, the sugar in her cake comes home, her favorite child that she let the rest of her spoiled brats raised.

She was telling me how nervous she was, and I asked her, “Why? Are you afraid he is going to come home, stretch out his hand, and smite the entire family down because of our evil ways? Chris is a good boy, he would never do that.”

Needless to say, she didn’t find this comment funny. Anyways, I’m excited for that fart knocker to come home, and I would like to see if he’s as strange as the rest of the RM’s when they got back, or if he’s normal.

Michelle if you are reading this, yes you were a little weird when you came home, I think every time I spoke your jaw would drop, and I could see you trying to get into the fetal position, as you tried to console yourself into believing it’ll all be ok. I still love you.

Anyways, until next post, remember who you are, because if you don’t, nobody can help you.

2006-02-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

I know I don’t use common sense in my life much, however with my job I am always surprised when parents will ask me advice on how to raise their children. I would you think you would want to ask another parent on advice instead of a single woman with no children?

Don't get me wrong, I know I am smart and an expert in every subject, I just didn’t realize that it showed that I also know everything there is about parenting.

It kind of reminds me of when I was 16 selling shoes at sears and people thought that being a shoe salesmen was about the same thing as a podiatrist, so they would show me their bunions, athlete’s foot, or ingrown toenails and ask me what I think they should do. So I did what anyone would, I wrote them a fake prescription and sent them to their nearest pharmacist to get their crazy pills.

I guess it’s the price I pay for being a genius.

2006-02-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

This three day weekend was exactly what I needed. I knew I needed to take a road trip, when on Wednesday, as I was driving to school, I took a huge detour, meaning I drove all over the bay area, listening to my music, and driving down roads I had never been, because, well I just wasn’t in the mood to sit in class, and I really wanted to drive across country, and take the road trip I have always wanted, however, I had to be back to teach music that evening, so I couldn’t flake out on to many of my responsibilities, no matter how much I really really ridiculously wanted to.

So, I called Jo Anne, and asked what she was up to for the weekend, and decided it was time for me to head on down to Fresno, and hang out with my friend, and have the real Amy come out again.

It was a short trip, but just what I needed, it was her co-worker Dale and his main man Steve’s birthday, and they were throwing a Birthday Party, so I crashed it with her. I decided to wear my favorite Red Strappy heels, because I knew that these men would appreciate a good pair of shoes if they saw them, and that would be my way it was ok for me to Crash the Party.

The Party was no Let Down, Dale, Steve and their friends were a blast, and I don’t think I had laughed so hard with complete strangers.

At the end of the night, I received the best compliment I could have received from Steve, we connected as he told me a story of his ex, and I was shocked to have had a similar situation, so instantaneously we shared a bond, so immediately he told me, you have the most amazing shoes, as he bent down, and picked up my foot, and started inspecting them, and analyzing them. He decided that my shoes were so beautiful, they are delicate, sexy, and simple, while being completely vulnerable, yet, put together so well. Then when I told him the best part, that they are comfortable, and they were only 8 dollars, but originally $80 he shouted “Son of a Bitch!” Those are amazing shoes. I like to think that his as he analyzed me shoes, he was also talking about me, I will stretch however far I can to get that good of a compliment said about me.

At the end of the night, Jo Anne and I went back to her house, as we laughed about how much fun we had, and then decided to wind down while watching Team America.

Today we laughed as we normally do, and I can’t even remember what most of what we said was, which goes to show, we need to record all of our conversations because they are gold.

We went and got Indian food, which could have been better, but it was ok, because we were both mesmerized by the Indian Music Video’s and I have decided I have a new obsession, I am going to have to find out what channel this is on, because I’m obsessed, especially when I dance, I had coined made it in a video, which makes me remember I need to get a patent on all of my ideas, inventions, ect. Screwed again!

It was so good seeing Jo Anne, and I had such a good time, and missed being myself for so long, it is even making me consider moving to Fresno where I know there are people who will accept me for who I am, and embrace my craziness, even if it was formed on something as shallow as my sexy red shoes.

Highlights I remember from this weekend that still make me laugh.

- Dale what's the best pick up line?
Is that hair on your chest.

- Peter, swaggering around dancing and singing, common a my house, and Take a Chance and telling Jo Anne and I not to leave him hanging, and then get mad and tell Jo Anne, "You always leave me hanging."

- Leaving Dale and Steve's and hearing Mariachi music blasting, and knowing it was Peter passed out in his car.

- Wearing the mardi Gras mask I recieved at the party with a Big Peacock feather all over Fresno, and forgetting I had it on my head, and wondering why people are shooting strange glances at me.

- Comming up with many nicknames for Darrin, for being so late

- Deciding that Jo Anne and I should Marry or Matt Stone and Trey Parker, or at least date them, because I really want to paint their penises, we know they would be ok with it, and I know they would turn it into a kick ass movie.

2006-02-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

who knows what movie this is from?